Colorado Avalanche: Life After Hockey, Coming Soon

The Colorado Avalanche players may be looking for new jobs soon. Here are some new career paths.

The Colorado Avalanche are so bad and so unlucky at hockey that it’s fair to wonder if they would be better off playing a different sport. So, what if every Avalanche player just decided to quit hockey and try a different line of work? Here are some job suggestions that I think they’d be good at since they aren’t good at hockey.

Joe Colborne: A New Year’s Resolution. I realize this isn’t an actual a job and it may feel like this column is off to rough start. But think about it. You make a New Year’s Resolution, it goes well for about seven to ten days. And then you break it and don’t think about it ever again. Now tell me that doesn’t sound like Joe Colborne.

Matt Duchene: A Bull Rider. I don’t know if Duchene would be a good bull rider, but he sure does love the country culture and wearing cowboys hats.

Mikhail Grigorenko: A Salesperson. He’ll sell you something that you think you need, but you’ll quickly be extremely disappointed with.

Nathan MacKinnon: A Poet. He’ll write thousands of poems. Most of them will be extremely average. But then he’ll have a few that are dubbed “the greatest poem ever” and we will all wonder why he can’t write “the greatest poem ever” on a more consistent basis.

John Mitchell: A Baker. But one of those perfectionist bakers. He has to make sure the cake is too perfect before he delivers it. And then he drops the cake when he goes to deliver it.

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Carl Soderberg: A Lawyer. You pay a lot for his services and, while he tries his best, he fails to win your case.

Rene Bourque: A Public Defender. You pay nothing and he exceeds your expectations.

Blake Comeau: A Professional Wrestler. But a professional wrestler who botches everything.

Gabriel Landeskog: A Substitute Teacher. He tries really hard to get people to listen to him. He tries all kinds of methods. Visual learning, physical learning, verbal learning. He gets through to a few students, but most just ignore him and wait for the real teacher to come back.

Cody McLeod: A MMA Fighter. But not a good MMA fighter. Just one of those guys who is really aggressive and puts on a good show, but doesn’t win or move up the ladder.

Jarome Iginla: A Newspaper Writer. Just an old man who won’t give up his spot and still thinks the internet is just a fad.

Mikko Rantanen: Boy Band Member. Good looking kid who is ready to go solo.

Francois Beauchemin: A Traffic Cone. Replacing Nate Guenin.

Tyson Barrie: A Turnstile. People just blow right past it without a second thought.

Erik Johnson: An Ice Skater. Erik Johnson’s smooth skating should not go to waste.

Eric Gelinas: A Bodyguard. He’s a pretty big dude. And useless 90% of the time.

Cody Goloubef: A Bank Teller. I don’t know. It seems like a pretty easy job that doesn’t require a ton of skill.

Fedor Tyutin: Test Subject. Sure. Why not.

Patrick Wiercioch: Dog Sitter. Listen. I can’t come up with great and witty jobs for all these guys.

Nikita Zadorov: A Stock Boy. Because he loves being around boxes.

Semyon Varlamov: A Yoga Instructor. Always stretching and trying to loosen up his groin. Often times doing weird poses, like standing on his head, and trying to calm things down.

Calvin Pickard: Laundry. Just left out to dry.

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