Things to do in the Colorado Avalanche Offseason

Beleaguered by the trickle of news and mid-August heat, a Colorado Avalanche fan discusses ways to stay sane in the offseason.

Roy resigned, Ben Smith got signed, and the Colorado Avalanche don’t have a coach yet. There, that’s the news, people.

I’ve honestly been racking my brain all day for something to write about, but we’re at the point in the offseason where nearly everything has been said already. As Avs news dries up, here’s some things to keep you sane this offseason.

Play Street/Inline/Roller Hockey

Nothing in life has given me a bigger false sense of hockey knowledge than playing roller hockey growing up! It’s obviously the same as playing in the NHL, and damn it, if I can shut down an uncoordinated kid defensively, the Avs have no excuse! Get it together, boys!

Playing roller hockey will make you smarter than your friends, every hockey blogger, and even the writers for the Denver Post! It’s a fact.

But seriously, if you think watching hockey is fun, get out there and play some. If you’re old and out of shape like me, you might need to heave over the trash can your first few times out, but it’s an awesome way to get some exercise and have some fun. It also might better inform you of just how good NHL players have to be.

Brew Some Beer

More from Mile High Sticking

Look, we don’t know what kind of season it’s going to be for the Colorado Avalanche. It could be a season where we need to drink for the entire game, it could be more of pounding pints in the last minute of the third, or maybe, just maybe, we’ll just need to crack one open to celebrate an Avs’ Cup win with friends! Right?! Right?! (Stop laughing.)

In any case, it’s best to be prepared, and home brewing is as Coloradoan as Amendment 64 (pot law). It’s a great activity to do with friends, and prep for a likely-stressful Avalanche season.

Now remember, these beers will be ready when autumn rolls around, so the type you pick should reflect that. I suggest a nice Oktober Fest, brown ales, or, if you want to get in the Halloween spirit, a pumpkin ale. Just remember to have fun!

….God, this offseason is going to kill me.

Read about the World Cup of Hockey…

… and conclude that it’s not actually a “world cup”! It’s really more of an NHL All-Star tournament that John Scott didn’t get invited to with frankly arbitrary teams. There’s Team Canada, Team USA, and… Team North America? I’m no geography wiz, but…

Someone should also probably get on the horn and inform Sweden, the Czech Republic, Finland, and the populated part of Russia that they’re no longer part of Europe. That’s got to be awkward.

Related Story: The World Cup of Hockey

Still, it should be fun to watch the top players in the league represent contiguous landmasses right before the NHL regular season starts. I’m certainly not terrified about Matt Duchene, Nathan MacKinnon, Erik Johnson, Gabriel Landeskog, Carl Soderberg, or Semyon Varlamov getting hurt before opening night, no sir!

Don’t follow the U.S. Election

Just…just don’t. It’s really bad. Do literally anything else.

Wildly speculate on who the new Colorado Avalanche coach will be

For an extra dose of futility in your offseason, make random guesses and try to discuss the coaching situation with your friends. It might go a bit like this:

Person A: “Do you think they’ll get Hartley back?”

Person B: “Hopefully not, but they can ask!”

Person A: “Do you think they’ll get literally anyone else?”

Person B: “Who knows?! They need to get permission!”

Person A: “Maybe Joe Sakic will drop a hint.”

Person B: “Ha, good one!”

Next: EA Sports NHL 17 Player Ratings

Conclusion

Hockey season can’t get here any sooner, and this writer is losing what’s left of his mind. Please actually use this time to invent time travel and end my torment.

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