10 Chirps for the Minnesota Wild
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The Colorado Avalanche meet the Minnesota Wild for two games to start the regular season, on October 9, in Minnie and on October 11, at home. After the playoff series the two played at the conclusion of the 2013-14 season, the two teams are not in charity with each other.
So, Avs Nation, are you looking for some smack to talk to the Wild either at the Pepsi Center or to your television. Look no further. Below are 10 chirps suitable for the hateful Minnesota Wild.
1. Hey, Harding, how’s your foot?
Initially, I wasn’t going to chirp Josh Harding because I respect the struggles he faces with his debilitating disease, multiple sclerosis. But equal opportunity and all that, and what Harding did was a total bonehead move that he deserves to be chastised for. Apparently he got in an altercation with a teammate and kicked a wall in his frustration, fracturing his foot and leaving the team high and dry for a number-one goalie. Like I said, bonehead.
2. Is that your uniform, or did a Christmas tree throw up on you?
This chirp is most appropriate for the Minnesota Wild home jerseys, some of the ugliest in the hockey world. Scratch that — they make the LA Kings’ purple jersey look downright chic. I almost pity Minnesota fans for having to look at the red and green monstrosities their hockey team plays in.
3. Hey, Parise, hang with Ralph Lauren lately?
Have you seen Zach Parise modeling the Team USA gear from last year? The line was designed by rich-boy designer Ralph Lauren, and the get-ups look like a bald eagle collided with an American flag and exploded all over the wearer. Parise looks downright happy in these outfits.
4. Are you constipated, or do you always play hockey that way?
Even Colorado Avalanche defenseman — native Minnesotan — Erik Johnson calls Minnesota Wild hockey “boring.” Personally, I call it “mucky in the middle” the way they slow down the neutral zone. The technique can be effective at times, but it is some god-awful hockey to have to watch.
5. Hey, Brsha, Brzha, Bryzg… Hey, goalie, how about a vowel?
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Puck Prose
Ok, the Avalanche have Semyon Varlamov, and for the whole first season he played here I could never remember how to say his name. But you can’t make too much fun of Ilya Bryzgalov because he’s a funny, likeable guy. So, let’s laugh at the lack of vowels in his name.
6. Would you like a noun with that?
Wild is an adjective. In some rare cases, it gets used as a noun — going into the wild is the most common usage. However, wild is an adjective most of the time, and it leaves you asking, “Wild what?” To be fair, it’s unlikely anyone on the team would understand.
7. Hey, Prosser, how’d it work out with the Blues?
The Wild just acquired defenseman Nate Prosser off of waivers from St. Louis. Except, he’s played his whole pro career for Minnesota, but tested free agency and signed a one-year, two-way contract with the St. Louis Blues over the summer. He didn’t make the team, and the Blues placed him on waiver. The Wild scooped him up like so much dog poop on the sidewalk.
8. Did you ever meet a goon you don’t love?
Enforcers are becoming a dying breed. The Minnesota Wild don’t just sign enforcers, though. They sign out-and-out goons, the types of guys who are looking to cause damage, not just make a point. Matt Cooke is the most obvious. However, the Wild have also employed Zenon Konopka. Now they’ve signed known fighter Stu Bickel in the “hopes” that he knows more about hockey than fighting. Sure, that’s the hope.
9. Hey, Matt Cooke, we’re watching you.
Matt Cooke took out Avalanche rover Tyson Barrie with a knee-on-knee hit in Game 3 of the first round of playoffs. He’s lucky if that’s the worst Avs fans chirp him — especially since #DuckYouMattCooke trended on Twitter pretty explosively at the time. (Replace the “d” with another letter, obviously.)
But, in the same vein…
10. Hey, Cooke, Barrie has more goals than you have shifts.
Knowing Barrie, it could be true.
How about you, Avs Nation? What chirps do you want to lay on Minnie this season?