Colorado Avalanche Reveal New Secret Weapon… Pulling the Defense


Disclaimer: This is a satirical post. Feel free to enjoy it, but do not take anything seriously. At all. Quotes, stories, opinions, etc. are all made up or exaggerated for your viewing pleasure. Happy Saturday… errr Satireday!

Patrick Roy and the Colorado Avalanche took the NHL by storm last year, with their affinity for getting Semyon Varlamov  to the bench early and often when the Avs were trailing. You’d see Roy look up at the clock… four minutes left… eh what the heck, “*whistle* get your butt over here Varly.” Roy was insane right?! Or maybe Varly just liked to cuddle up on the bench with his buddies.

No coach in the history of the league ever pulled the goalie that early on a regular basis! The fans and media would defecate bricks if the goalie was pulled with more than a minute or so on the clock. Four stinkin’ minutes?! Seriously, do we need to start drug testing the coaches? Remember when Roy skated out to center ice and deked out Wayne Gretzky. This was surely just another case of ol’ Patrick being “out of his mind.”

To the surprise of many, his bold strategy often worked! In his own words, Roy put his balls on the table, and made some magic. Roy was a genius. They say the line between insanity and brilliance is a thin one, and Roy proved to the hockey world he is an insanely brilliant coach.

The Avs were dubbed the cardiac kids due to their propensity to score dramatic late goals with the empty cage behind them. Look no further than the playoffs, when the Avs were twice able to tie the game with under a minute to go, and eventually take the cake in overtime. A delicious occurrence the first time, and seconds still left me craving another slice. More cake this season please! Can we take a moment to appreciate how tasty cake is?

In an effort to unlock the next big thing, Roy and the Avalanche have announced they will start literally “pulling the defense” for an additional two forwards on the attack

Well, this year everyone has caught on. It’s no longer the Avs’ little secret weapon, and many coaches, including the spherical Bruce Boudreau have embraced the early hook for the extra forward.

In an effort to unlock the next big thing, Roy and the Avalanche have announced they will start literally “pulling the defense” for an additional two forwards on the attack. The Avs are fully aware of the perception that they are lacking high-end talent on the blue-line. Most media experts say the D is the weak link, and have offered up their grandmothers as potential replacements for the guys the Avalanche currently plan to throw out there. One reporter has even suggested they rename the team to the Colorao Avalanche. Because the Avalanche D is like that last joke… bad.

Being the clever man he is, Roy has decided “we don’t need no stinkin’ defense.” When pressed he said, “well, I like our fowards group. We have a lot of guys who can put da puck in the net. Young guys like Dutchy, MacKinnon, O’Reilly, and then we add in guys like Iginla and Briere who have scored more goals in their careers than Tanguay has hairs on his head. I say, why not. Let’s take the D out, and get five guys out there attacking. It will be fun for our fans, and we can score a lot of goals. Plus, we don’t need defenders if we just play offense all game.” Freaking brilliant… how has nobody thought this up yet?

An Avalanche super-fan was asked what he thought of the new strategy. “Yeah man. I love it. I mean, it’s not like Stefan Elliott or Ryan Wilson play much defense anyways. Might as well get some more forwards out there.” Ouch, harsh words, but it seems Roy can do no wrong in the eyes of the Avalanche faithful at this point. I love you Stefan and Ryan, and hey, chins up… haven’t you guys played some random forward minutes before in your NHL careers? I know Wilson did last year.

Tyson Barrie also is an offensive D-man who could easily switch positions, and EJ is a potential beast in front of the net as a power forward. Guys like Joey Hishon, Borna Rendulic, Samuel Henley, and Dennis Everberg suddenly find themselves less likely to be shipped off to the desolate city of Cleveland, where hopes and dreams go to die. Instead they might get a chance to soak up the sun in the wonderful Mile High City, and play for the greatest team on Earth. For as much hate as LeBron gets, he’s literally the only person to ever voluntarily move to Cleveland for a job…

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  • What about poor Semyon Varlamov? Won’t the Avs be Putin the Russian goalie on the spot without any defenders out there to help him out. Well, according to most major media sources, that’s exactly what they did last year. Varly still nearly won the Vezina, and finished fourth in MVP voting in the league. “Я наша оборона” is written on the inside of Varly’s pads. See if you can guess what that means.

    Besides, Varly excels in 1-on-1 breakaway situations. He has the second highest save percentage among active goalies with at least 30 shootout shots faced. When Varly was asked if he was apprehensive about the potential for facing an additional few breakaways every game, he said “No” in perfect Spanish.

    Patrick Roy and the Avalanche surprised the world of hockey last season, in part due to the aggressive coaching style of Patrick Roy. Ultimately, the Avs fell short of their goal, so it looks like Roy is planning to up the aggression even farther. Critics are quick to point out, that defense wins championships. Roy quickly counters by saying, “we’re just trying to win one championship… we’ll worry about the plural next year. And besides, don’t you read Russian? Varly is our defense.”

    Disclaimer: Once again, this is a satirical post. The Avs won’t really be using this strategy next season. At least I hope not. Patrick and Varly didn’t actually say any of those things, or write any of that nonsense on their equipment. Happy Satireday!