NCIS Investigates Recent Colorado Avalanche Hockey

Donald “Ducky” Mallard

Colorado Avalanche center

was the best face-off man in the game against the Washington Capitals, even though he won only half the battles. Mandatory Credit: Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

We find Ducky presiding over the boxscore of the Washington Capitals game as if it’s a cadaver. He’s already talking, clearly to the dead body of the Avs’ 2-1 loss.

“I bet you thought you were ready for this game. You had your star goalie back, and you were relatively healthy for a change. But then Mr. Beagle scored in the first period – I always did like beagles, but Mother preferred her Welsh corgis. Said they were the canine of queens…”

He notices our arrival. “Ah, I see you’d like some answers. Well, I don’t have definitive cause of death yet, but this game had a definite case of faceoff syndrome.”

Faceoff syndrome?

“The Avalanche did not win their faceoff battles. Not one single center recorded a winning faceoff percentage. The closest was Mr. O’Reilly — he won half his battles.”

A 50% faceoff percentage was the best? Matt Duchene didn’t better that?

“No, no, he only won 46% — only 33% of those in the offensive zone. Hard to get a shot onto the goal if you don’t have possession of the puck in the offensive zone.”

Ok, Dutchy has struggled with faceoffs this year. How about John Mitchell? He’s been one of the strongest faceoff winners for the Avs all season.

Ducky makes a face. “22% — and not a single one in the neutral zone.”

At that point, Jimmy Palmer wanders in. “How about all the penalties the Avalanche took?”

“Ah, yes, the penalties. Well, that roughing penalty Mr. Varlamov took certainly did cost them, didn’t it? His countryman, Mr. Ovechkin, scored the game-winning goal on the power play. Speaking of Russian hockey, did you know that originally they called it ‘bandy’? Yes, the game was even played with a small ball instead of a puck.”

Fascinating, but how does that explain the Avalanche’s inability to play a full 60 minutes?

“Ah, yes, well it all comes down to focus. For some reason these fit young men are having difficulty maintaining their focus for a full game. Of course, the sport is a grueling one. Your average 6-foot, 200-pound man burns at least 700 calories in a game.”

Let’s get back to the focus. How can the Avs improve in that field?

Ducky shrugs. “I just diagnose. Try Ms. Sciuto for an analysis of solving the problem.”