Criminal Minds Investigate the Minnesota Wild

Nadia Archuleta

The Minnesota Wild at Xcel Energy Center. Mandatory Credit: Marilyn Indahl-USA TODAY Sports

The Colorado Avalanche face the Minnesota Wild for the fifth and final time this Sunday.

Uniforms

Minnesota Wild forward Zach Parise displays the ugliness of the logo and the uniforms. Mandatory Credit: Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Dr. Spencer Reid would like to point out that the the Minnesota Wild home uniforms were clearly designed by a schizophrenic. And he should know — his mom’s one. He points to the craziness of the disjointed logo.

A forest with a river, sun and star are all encompassed in an animal’s head. “This shows how fractured their thinking is,” he says.

After all, the Minnesota Wild employ a goon, Matt Cooke, who ended ~~Dennis~~ Marc Savard’s career and ended Avalanche defenseman Tyson Barrie‘s season with his dirty plays. Yet they whine and complain that other teams employ goonish tactics against them. Indeed, they point to a legal check self-same Tyson Barrie, all 5-foot-10 of him, laid on 6-foot-2, 205-pound Nate Prosser, crying out as if Barrie assaulted the bruiser.

For his part, Dr. Reid just shakes his head at such obvious evidence of schizophrenic paranoia.

Veteran profiler David Rossi likes to talk about the… garishness of their red and green home uniforms. “Besides being in bad taste, those uniforms reek of attention-seeking behavior.”

Speaking of attention-seeking behavior, how about their outrage over Avalanche captain Gabriel Landeskog‘s little smack on Mikko Koivu‘s nose at the end of the game. At the time Colorado center Nathan MacKinnon‘s undereyes were filling with blood after Sean Bergenheim broke his nose with an illegal elbow check.

Next: Goal Tending

Goal Tending

The Minnesota Wild don’t know what their goalie identity is. Mandatory Credit: Chris Humphreys-USA TODAY Sports

Another veteran profiler, Jason Gideon, is worried about the goal tending situation in Minnesota. “Clearly a case of manic depressive behaviors. This is an area that can become a stressor in the final game.”

The Wild have been playing revolve-a-goalie since last season. First you’ve got your Josh Harding, your Niklas Backstrom, your John Curry. Then you go to your Ilya Byrzgalov and your Darcy Kuemper. Now you’ve got your Devon Dubnyk.

"“It’s like they can’t decide what their identity in goal is,” Gideon remarks."

For awhile the Wild were in a depressive state. They lost four straight in November, five straight in December and six straight in January.

“Now they get this new goalie, and they have this false sense of security — this mania.”

Criminal Minds team leader Aaron Hotchner agrees with Gideon’s assessment. He adds, “Their group dynamic is certain to face a complete collapse since it’s based on such false security. It could happen very soon.”

Next: Coaching

Coaching

Minnesota Wild head coach Mike Yeo is a little man with a little goatee. Mandatory Credit: Brad Rempel-USA TODAY Sports

Emily Prentiss, who now works for Interpol, has a lot to say about Minnesota Wild coach Mike Yeo.

"“He’s clearly the ringleader of the group. He’s a little man with a Napolean complex. You can see it in his attachment to his goatee.”"

You can also see it in the meltdowns he had earlier in the year. In fact, there was one point when he yelled expletives at his own players and stomped out of a practice. At another time he asked the NHL if a team could turn down a power play opportunity since his team’s was so bad.

The Fans

Minnesota Wild fans pose have no sense of decency at other teams’ home arenas. Mandatory Credit: Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Special agent Derk Morgan has been looking at the fan base for the Minnesota Wild. “Most hockey fans are passionate about their team,” he points out. “And many Minnesota Wild fans stay within the constraints of normal hockey fandom.”

He points out that many Minnesota Wild fans who attend games at the Pepsi Center display “narcissistic” behaviors. “They’re guests in someone else’s homes. Yet they act even beyond what’s expected in your home arena.”

He points to a recent fan fight at the Pepsi Center.

“The man in the Bourque jersey is clearly drunk. He’s just been shoved, his buddy is trying to calm him down. The buddy is even begging the Minnesota fans to stop egging his drunk friend on so he can de-escalate the situation. But certain fans don’t want that.”

He points to a couple of attractive female Minnesota Wild fans. “They’re clearly hiding behind their looks and their gender. They’re counting on being able to act like the victims just because they’re women.” He points out how the pretty blonde is antagonizing the drunk. “And then this one sucker punches the drunk guy in the back of the head! She tries to sit down as if nothing happened, but…” He shakes his head. “Classic narcissistic behavior.”

Garcia, on speaker phone, interjects at this time, “They’re probably just taking their cue from the dramatics of players like Erik Haula, Brown Sugar.”

Morgan is clearly surprised, “Sweet Pea, are you telling me Erik Haula is an actual NHL player? After the way he dove when Erik Johnson hit him… I thought he was an imposter player.”

JJ Jareau has some final words about the up-coming game.

“The final game of the regular season series is the deciding factor. It’s going to be a hard-fought battle. The odds are in the unsubs’ favor. But if the Colorado Avalanche play their game, and Avs fans show how to be classy… well, there’s a chance evil won’t prevail.”

JJ’s right — evil won’t prevail in the long run. It never does.

Next: Avs Players as Grey's Anatomy Characters

Next: NCIS Investigates Colorado Avalanche Hockey

More from Mile High Sticking

Nadia Archuleta

A professional writer, Nadia Archuleta is a hockey enthusiast. In addition to maintaining her own hockey blog, Hockeygrrls, she has contributed sports writing for numerous websites. She's been a fan of the Colorado Avalanche since the Denver Grizzlies.